


The Hardest Thing About This Love

by ItsADrizzit



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Heavy Drinking, M/M, Reunions, Swearing, Threats of Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-03-30 09:25:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3931630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsADrizzit/pseuds/ItsADrizzit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Slightly modern AU setting (though it's not really too in-your-face about it). Nathaniel Howe is Arl of Amaranthine. Aedan Cousland is Commander of Ferelden Special Forces. Bethany Hawke works for them both.</p><p>Six years ago, Anders walked out of Nathaniel's life, moved to Kirkwall, settled in, and never offered an explanation or an apology. Thanks to more than a little help from Beth and Aedan, Nathaniel's finally moved on . . .  Until a late night drunken phone call from Anders, that is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dust to Dust

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Dragon Age Big Bang 2015.
> 
> Accompanying this work is some AMAZING, WONDERFUL, AWESOME, FANTASTIC art from [PollenCount](http://pollencount.tumblr.com/). It was a pleasure working with them on this and the art makes me SO. INCREDIBLY. HAPPY.
> 
> You can find the art: [here](http://pollencount.tumblr.com/post/118868647770/this-is-it-my-dabb-contribution-and-a-little) IT'S NSFW (but amazing)!!!!!!!
> 
> I hope you all love it as much as I do!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> go in circles round the bend until we are just friends again  
> and then not even that  
> sometimes i almost can recall what it was like before we ever met

Nathaniel groaned as a sharp ringing jarred him out of a deep sleep. He lay still until the sound ceased, then held his breath in the dark silence until it started up again half a minute later. So it was going to be one of those nights, then. It figured, actually. Anders had always possessed some sort of sixth sense about when Nathaniel had a full day of meetings and deadlines ahead of him. He let the phone complete another ring cycle and start a third before he snatched it from its place on his bedside table.

“Anders,” Nathaniel’s voice came out deep and rough and he coughed to clear the sleep out of his throat. “What’s wrong?”

“Why does something always have to be wrong? Can’t I just call you? Can’t I just pick up the phone and say ‘Nathaniel, Love, I miss you so very much. When can I see you again’?”

“You can,” Nathaniel said, rubbing his arms against the chill air of the drafty room, “but I’d prefer if just once you decided not to do so at,” he squinted through sleep-bleary eyes, “three o’clock in the morning.”

Anders’ half-drunken laugh on the other side of the phone sent shivers through Nathaniel’s body as his mind went unbidden to the last time they’d seen one another, both of them draped across one another in a hotel room in Highever, empty glasses and bottles littering the table beside them, Anders’ cheeks and chest flushed from drink and sex as he pressed himself against Nathaniel.

“Oh, Nate. Nate my love. I miss you so very much. When can I see you again?”

“Don’t mock me, Anders, I’m tired and I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I only answered because I knew you’d keep calling until I did. As always you’ve got no respect for the fact that some people have work to do in the morning and might have been sleeping soundly in warm beds. Now. Tell me what you want so I can get back to sleep or I swear to the Maker I will hang up this phone and never answer it again.”

“Sebastian said you called him.”

“He’s right. I did.” Nathaniel shook his head and sighed, climbing from his bed and leaning against the wall to stare out the window into the blackness of the Amaranthine night. “A formality, mostly. I saw a news report about the latest mess at Starkhaven and I knew he’d be blaming himself. We’re friends, or at least we used to be, and I know the family well, so I called to see how he was. No harm in sending my condolences and seeing if there was anything I could do, is there?”

“Anything you could do, eh? Like fuck him?”

 _What?_ Nathaniel was wide awake now. He gives Sebastian a cursory ‘displaced noble - to -displaced noble, sorry about your family, I’ve been there, let me know if you need anything’ call and all of a sudden he’s apparently trying to sleep with him? Nathaniel had no idea where Anders even came up with these ridiculous scenarios of his. And anyway, it wasn’t like he had a right to care even if Nathaniel had offered to sleep with Sebastian.

“Umm . . . I’m sorry, what? You think I called Sebastian to ask if I could fuck him? How did you even . . . ? Why would I . . . ? You can’t be serious. Honestly, Anders. I haven’t even seen Sebastian since I left the Marches to head back here after I heard about my father’s death. That was what, six years ago now? Why would I all of a sudden call him up and offer to sleep with him?”

“No idea, but he sure wants to fuck you. All he could talk about at the bar tonight was how you were so sweet to call him and how much he missed you. He’s lucky it didn’t end with my fist in his face, really.”

Nathaniel rolled his eyes and ran his hand through his hair as he resumed his lean against the wall. _Right. Because you have any right to start a fight with anyone who might possibly express an opinion about me? Because you have any right to care about my life at all?_

“And all of that somehow implies he wants to fuck me?”

“Maker, Nate, who wouldn’t want to fuck you? Anyway, he told me he wants to. We were a few rounds in and he just looked at me with those big blue eyes and that stupid grin on his face and he just said ‘I don’t know how you ever managed to leave that behind, mate’ or some stupid shit like that and then when I shrugged he got all wistful and said ‘what I wouldn’t give to have just one more night with that man in my bed’. He actually said that. Everyone heard him. Hawke can vouch.”

Nathaniel closed his eyes, wishing to the Maker Aedan and Bethany hadn’t emptied all the bottles of whiskey he used to have stashed around the apartment. He needed a drink. Or a hard slap across the face. Or both.

“Anders, you know I didn’t call Sebastian to offer to sleep with him. I’ve beyond moved past that part of my life. So why are you calling me?”

“You know why I’m calling, love.”

There was that voice. Sultry and seductive, filled with longing and desire and pure sex as it echoed through Nathaniel’s body. His heart started pounding in his chest and he had to pull the phone away from his ear so Anders couldn’t hear his breath hitch.

“I . . . ah,” Nat let his breath out slowly, desperate to calm the pounding in his chest, to maintain some level of composure and steel himself against the emotions he could feel starting to stir within him. Letting Anders bait him was far too dangerous. “Anders, we’ve been over this. I can’t just drop everything here and come see you on some whim. Even if I weren’t in a serious relationship, which you seem to conveniently have forgotten about, I have a lot to do. I’m too busy to leave right now even if I wanted to.”

“Fine, then we’ll come to you.”

“Anders, no. Aedan will be . . . did you say ‘we’?”

“Sebastian and I. We’ll come to you if you’re too busy to leave.”

Nathaniel sucked in another sharp breath. He really needed that drink now. Maybe a cigarette. Thanks to a lengthy cycle of rigorous interventions by his friends here in Amaranthine he’d stopped drinking years ago and rarely smoked anymore, although that didn’t stop him from secreting away his packs of cigarettes in small stashes around the apartment in the hopes that Aedan might not find them. He’d always hated Nathaniel’s smoking, from the time Nathaniel had returned from the Marches already well and truly addicted. Aedan insisted that Nathaniel needed to keep himself in shape. For what, Nathaniel didn’t know, it wasn’t as though he was actually going out on assignments these days, but he’d stopped at Aedan’s request. Well, mostly stopped. It seemed dealing with Anders flared up more than one old desire within him. How did this man somehow manage to smash through all Nathaniel’s defenses from a thousand miles away the moment his voice came through a phone line?

“Anders hold on. I’m putting you on speaker.”

“Why? Who’s with you?”

“No one. I’m standing in the freezing cold bedroom in my shorts.” Fuck, Anders would be all over that one. “I need a cigarette,” he added before Anders could say something lewd in response to his slip.

“I thought you quit.”

“I thought I quit a lot of things.” Nathaniel said, shaking his head as he unearthed a crumpled pack of cigarettes from behind a stack of envelopes in the end table drawer.

“Whatever. So we’ll be there tomorrow. I told Sebastian I could make it happen for him.”

“No.”

“Why not? It will be fun. I mean, Sebastian is so not my type, good little church boy and all, but I try to keep an open mind, and it’s as good an excuse as any to come see you. Of course, I’d rather not share, but I will if I have to, mind.”

Nathaniel’s hand shook as he tried to flick his lighter into cooperation. This was too much. He had to stay in control of himself. Stay firm. He could not fall prey to what Anders was offering here. For Anders’ sake more than anyone’s. As usual, Anders had made up his mind about what he wanted and getting him to listen to reason would be damn near impossible, but Nate had to try.

“Anders. Listen to me. You cannot come to Amaranthine. Aedan will be back tomorrow.”

“So what? The whole time I was in the Wardens with you, fucking you brainless every single night, Aedan Cousland didn’t give a fuck, did he? He shrugged it off and slept with whomever he could get his hands on. You don’t honestly believe he’s out on the road doing whatever the fuck it is that he does for weeks on end and he’s not at least stopping in somewhere to get his dick sucked, do you? Why can’t you have some fun once in a while?”

Nathaniel lit his cigarette and took a deep drag, letting the smoke burn down into his lungs until he couldn’t stand the burn anymore and then blew it out, watching the blue cloud curl around him, soaking into the couch, the rug, the drapes. Aedan would be pissed. Nathaniel didn’t care.

“You know that’s not what it’s about, although really, your commitment to relationships astounds me as usual. You know what Aedan said, Anders. He wasn’t joking. He’s the commander and technically you’re a deserter.”

“Oh, please? It’s not like I’m the first person to leave the Wardens or anything. No one told me I was signing on for life when they weren’t bothering to give me a choice about joining them in the first place. This is about Aedan’s particular vengeance against me and you know it. Honestly, I never understood why he hated me so much. Just because I took away his favourite toy and he was too much of a coward to do anything about it. I mean really, how is it my fault that you chose me over him?”

“Anders.” Nathaniel’s breath hitched again and he tried to calm himself. He was over this. He’d long since moved past his endless days and nights of laying alone in the dark, drinking himself blind and wishing the hole Anders had left in his chest would heal. But he could feel that familiar ache rising up as the memories of their shared past came flooding back to him. He’d tried so many times to tell himself that if he had it to do all over again, he’d make a different choice. That he wouldn’t let himself be so completely consumed with this cheeky pre-med student who was hiding out in the Wardens until his latest batch of trouble blew over and instead he’d choose the stability of the man who’d loved him since they were children. But he could never quite believe it. Even though Anders’ abrupt departure had left Nathaniel in the depths of darkness and misery, wishing on more than one occasion that this might be the drink that killed him, he knew he wouldn’t trade those six months of absolute bliss for anything in the world. “Please don’t.”

“No. Tell me. What the fuck did I ever do to Aedan Cousland?”

Nathaniel dropped his half-finished cigarette to the empty glass he’d been using as an ashtray, feeling his chest tighten and his throat close.

_It’s not what you did to Aedan, Anders, it’s what you did to me. It’s what you still do to me. I will always love you more than anyone in all of Thedas. I’ll always come running whenever you call. You don’t fucking deserve a single second of my time and I will keep giving it to you anyway. Because like it or not, when you walked away you took my heart with you and there’s nothing I can fucking do about it. I hate it so much. I will never be whole again. I can sleep with Aedan, pretend we’re happy, pretend I love him the way he deserves, but it will always be a lie, because my heart is no longer mine to give. You have my heart, Anders, and you don’t even fucking want it._

Nathaniel collapsed back into the bed, gasping for breath all alone in the darkness with no one to calm him. Anders was a cancer inside of him that he could never shake. No matter what he did, some little bit of Anders would always live in him, consuming him from the inside out until Nathaniel finally succumbed. To what, he had no idea. Perhaps death. Hopefully death.

The only possible cure, Nathaniel knew, was to break contact completely. To fully distance himself from Anders. No more phone calls. No more emails. Nothing. He had to end that part of his life, no matter how hard it hurt, until maybe one day he’d wake up in the morning and that piece of Anders that was inside of him would just be gone. hen maybe he could start to fill that space with someone else. Bethany and Aedan had insisted that this was the only feasible solution for years, but the idea of losing Anders entirely—not being able to call him if things got desperate, knowing he’d never look into those honey-brown eyes or run his hands through that shining golden hair or press his mouth against stubble-rimmed lips that consumed him so hungrily—the idea of that was even now too much to bear. But it had to be done. It was the only solution to end this cycle of pain he knew he and Anders were putting everyone through.

Nathaniel sucked in a deep breath and thought of Aedan. Of the way his eyes had burned as he swore to Anders and Nathaniel both that the next time he saw Anders, it would be the last. He’d sworn on the graves of his dead parents that he would personally put a bullet through Anders’ chest. A harsh declaration, even for quick-tempered Aedan Cousland, but Nathaniel knew Aedan had meant it. That meant Nathaniel needed to do everything in his power to make sure the two never met again. Sure, Anders had destroyed the love that he and Aedan had once shared and left a rift between them that would never be repaired, and he had done it all without apology, but that didn’t mean he deserved death.

Anders was beautiful and brilliant – more brilliant than anyone else Nathaniel had ever known. In the six months he had served with the Wardens he’d revolutionized their medical protocols and introduced advanced procedures to help save the lives of not only the Wardens, but the people of Amaranthine who were impacted by the fighting. Anders might have been selfish, shallow callous, and uncaring, but no one had any right to take that smile, that laugh, that beautiful mind from the world. If never hearing this voice or seeing that beautiful face again meant saving Anders’ life, then Nathaniel knew what he had to do. He had to let go of that piece of his heart, forever. Say goodbye to it and resign himself to the hollow emptiness that would always settle there. It was certainly better than watching his best friend blow his whole world to pieces with a single, perfectly-aimed shot.

“Look, Anders. I don’t . . .” Nathaniel struggled to keep his voice from breaking, but he was sure Anders could hear the waver in his tone. “Don’t come here. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week, not ever. This has to stop. No more drunken phone calls in the middle of the night. No more text messages about how you’re thinking of me. No more random hookups in hotel rooms where we pretend that Garrett and Aedan don’t exist. Just . . . fuck, Anders, just delete my number from your phone, forget where I live, and pretend you never met me. You walked out on me, Anders. You don’t get to just vanish into the night and then keep calling me whenever you’re lonely and want a good fuck. You walked away, and that means you have no right to be a part of my life anymore. You made your choice, Anders, so just . . . go enjoy your new life and leave me the hell alone to enjoy mine. This is goodbye, Anders. Forever. I . . . I mean it this time. I’m done. Don’t come here. I’m not going to come see you or answer your calls or anything. Not anymore. It’s over. We . . .”

He squeezed his eyes shut to keep the hot tears from tumbling out and betraying everything he knew he needed to do. _You can do this, Nathaniel. You have to. You have to walk away now. For your sake, for Aedan’s, and for Anders’ most of all. If you love him, you have to force him to go._ “We’re over, Anders. This is over. Goodbye.”

He jammed his finger hard against the screen to end the call before he could hear Anders’ cries of protest through the phone lines and change his mind, then heaved the phone as far away as he could manage, burying his face in the pillow amidst the sound of shattering glass and plastic cascading down to the floor. He pressed himself hard against the bed and sobbed until his stomach heaved and his body was drained.


	2. Remorse, Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I won't make mistakes like you again  
> that's a promise to myself  
> all my memories of you are going on the shelf

Bethany found Nathaniel face down on the couch the next morning, an empty bottle of whiskey on its side beside a plate overflowing with ashes and cigarette butts. She didn’t say a word, just covered him with the blanket from his bed and propped a few pillows around him before planting a kiss to his forehead and slipping out the door. He knew he should say something. Should explain. Should apologize. But what could he say that would make any of this any different? Any better? Instead, he buried his face harder into the pillows and hoped maybe he’d die in his sleep so everything would stop hurting so fucking much.

She returned just before noon, pulling open the curtains to let in the rare Amaranthine sunshine. Nathaniel hissed against the brightness, burrowing farther into the blankets to escape the searing pain the light caused behind his eyes.

“I see you’re feeling better,” Bethany joked. “Sit up. You should eat something. I’ll make you some soup.”

He groaned at the thought as his whiskey-filled insides churned. “Ugh. No. No food. Don’t even mention food. Oh, Maker.”

Bethany shook her head, then leaned down to press a kiss against Nathaniel’s sweat-dampened temple. “Fine. Sleep it off, Champ. Don’t worry about me. I’ll continue covering for you in the four million super-important meetings you have scheduled today. You picked a great day for a relapse, by the way.”

Nathaniel reached for Bethany, pulling her down to the bed and curling around the comforting heat of her body. “Stay with me, Beth. I don’t want to be alone today. I can’t be. I’m not strong enough for this. It’s different this time. It’s just . . . I just . . . well, you see.” He gestured to the bottle that still lay on the floor beside the bed.

Bethany curled up beside Nathaniel in the bed and ran a hand across his forehead, brushing his sweat-dampened hair away from his face.

“What happened?”

Nathaniel squeezed his eyes shut. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Tough. I didn’t spend all morning making excuses about why you couldn’t be bothered to show up for open session just so you and I could not talk about this. Anyway, I heard most of it . . . your side anyway. The walls aren’t exactly soundproof in here, you know.”

“What’s there to say? It’s the same story as always. He calls. I answer. I tell myself I’m not going to let him get to me and then he does. The end.”

“Yes well. The end doesn’t usually end up with you finishing half a bottle of whiskey and passing out on the couch. At least not anymore.”

Nathaniel groaned. “He said he was coming to see me. That Sebastian wanted to. I told him not to, Beth. I told him I was done, but you know he doesn’t listen. He’s probably on his way here right now. I bet he jumped on a plane the second I hung up and any minute now I’ll get a text that’s just the name of his hotel and a time, and even though it will probably get both of us killed, I’ll still go to him. Because I can’t not go, you know, no matter how bad of an idea I know it is. I can’t say no to him, Beth. I never could. So I’ll go there and we’ll pretend we’re just two old friends catching up over drinks in the hotel bar, but we all know how it will end. And then Aedan . . .”

“I believe in you. I’ll be right here, whatever you need. Hell, I’ll even go down there and drag him back home if I have to. It’s my brother that’s on the other end of this whole thing, remember. Be strong. Ignore the text. Don’t answer the phone. If it actually rings.” She glanced over at the shattered remnants of Nathaniel’s phone on the floor next to the bedroom door. “I’m pretty sure that doesn’t work anymore.”

Nathaniel groaned into his hands. “If only it were as easy as ignoring him. I’ve tried that, you know. He doesn’t take no for an answer. If I don’t go to him, eventually he’ll show up here and then Aedan . . . Maker, Beth if he shows up here Aedan will kill him. I told him that, but he won’t listen. He never listens. He just does whatever he wants all the time and damn anyone or anything that gets in his way.”

Soft fingers brushed against Nathaniel’s cheek as Bethany stood to leave. “You gave him your decision. It’s not your fault if he chooses to ignore it. I’m here for you and when Aedan gets back in a few hours he’ll be here for you too. We’ll get through it Nate, just like we always do. For now, sleep. I’ll be back as soon as I can. I promise.”

Nathaniel rolled toward the door and watched her back as she left, then let his eyes flutter shut and he crashed once again into sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

“Nate? Hey, Love? What’s going on?” Aedan’s voice was laced with concern as he stepped through the front door of their small flat. Nathaniel supposed that was only fair. He wasn’t usually one to be passed out on the couch with an empty whiskey bottle and an overflowing plate of cigarette butts at his side at four in the afternoon. Not anymore, anyway.

Nathaniel tried to sit up, but his head spun and his stomach lurched and all he managed in greeting was a low moan.

“I tried to call but it went straight to voicemail. Rough night?”

“I broke my phone.”

“I’ll say,” Aedan said, lifting the remnants of Nathaniel’s shattered and cracked phone from where it still lay beside the wall. “What the fuck went on around here while I was gone? You almost look worse than you did when I found you passed out on the steps of the Denerim Royal palace. . .” He stopped short, putting the pieces together. “Anders.”

Nathaniel nodded, then groaned as his entire body protested the movement.

“I’m going to fucking kill that asshole, Nathaniel, I swear it. After I punch him in his stupid fucking face. This shit has got to fucking stop. I’m going up there and I’m going to cock punch him as hard as I fucking can and then I’m going to fucking strangle him until he begs for mercy. But mercy’s not a thing he’ll ever get from me. I want nothing more than to hear his screams of agony until he finally begs me for death.”

“Don’t, Aedan. It’s not worth it. Besides, I told him it was over. For real this time. I’ll get a new phone and change my number and it’s over, okay? Just . . . I don’t want to talk about Anders anymore. If you absolutely have to kill someone then kill me before I die from this fucking hangover.”

 

* * *

 

 

Aedan stormed down the hallway and into the small room Bethany used as an office, slamming the door shut behind him. “What. The fuck. Went on. Last night?”

Bethany pulled her glasses off and dropped them on the desk, rubbing her hands as she closed her computer and turned to face Aedan. “I don’t know. At least, not all of it. He’s not really talking. I mean, Anders, obviously and I think something about Sebastian Vael of all people, but I couldn’t get the rest out of him. Honestly, Aedan, I have no clue.”

“So you decided the solution was to hand him a bottle of whiskey and leave him alone to drown his sorrows? Brilliant, Beth. Fucking brilliant.”

“I had nothing to do with that, thanks, but don’t’ think I don’t appreciate the vote of confidence. I was the one who ultimately got him sober in the first place, remember? Honestly, I have no idea where he got it. He must have dug around the whole building until he found it. It’s bad this time, Aedan. Worse than usual.”

Aedan dropped down to the spare chair and ran his hands through his hair. “Wait until I get my hands on that little shit. I’ve got more than half a mind to grab the next plane up there and just . . .” he wrapped his hands in the air in a strangling motion and shook them violently.

“You’re the Arl of Amaranthine. You can’t just fly up to Kirkwall and strangle someone because you feel like it.”

“Technically Nate’s the Arl of Amaranthine, I’m just the Commander of Ferelden Special Forces. I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

Bethany rolled her eyes. “Calm down. Go back in there and take care of Nate. I’ll call my brother and see if he knows anything about any of this. Don’t do anything you’ll regret, Aedan. Let’s just take care of our own and see how this sorts out.”

“Okay, but if that sonofabitch shows up on my doorstep later today I reserve the right to shoot first and ask questions later.”


	3. This Ruined Puzzle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but what if the pages stay pressed,  
> the chapters unfinished,  
> the stories too dull to unfold?  
> Does he ever get the girl?

Anders, his hair and clothes dirty and disheveled, the stubble on his face threatening to grow into a full-fledged beard, stumbled out of the tiny airport into the Amaranthine sunshine. He squinted against the harsh light assaulting his eyes, bloodshot from lack of sleep and a few too many drinks a few short hours before. The smells of Amaranthine, once a town he’d thought to call home, slammed into him from all sides. Dust, old ale, unwashed bodies, fresh baked bread resting on a window sill, and above it all, the uniquely Ferelden smell of wet dog. Anders crinkled up his nose in disgust. Sure, most of Kirkwall smelled like sewage and dead fish, but that had to be better than this, right?

He fished a pair of sunglasses out of his hastily-packed courier bag and made his way through streets just starting to fill with commuters, shops and cafés propping their doors and windows open to welcome their first customers of the day. The smell of coffee drifted toward Anders as he passed a nearby café and he nearly ducked in until he remembered that compared to the coffee in Kirkwall, even the best cup he could get here would be little more than swill. Best just get to the hotel and settle in. A drink and a few hours sleep would set him just as right anyway.

He didn’t have to think about where he was going, his feet still knew the way. Down Main, right on South Street, left onto Park until the hotel loomed before him. The doorman greeted him cheerfully, but Anders didn’t miss the dour glare as the man scanned Anders’ dirty jeans and rumpled dress shirt. Anders ignored him and made his way to the desk, fishing his wallet out of his back pocket and dropping his credit card and ID down onto the counter.

“I need a room please. A suite, preferably, if there’s one open. Any chance 1437 is free?”

The woman behind the desk also frowned at his disheveled state, but took his ID and began typing away at the computer in front of her. “Let’s see, Mister . . . “

“Doctor,” Anders corrected. “Don’t bother trying to pronounce it, you’ll never manage.”

The woman blinked up at him. “Oh. Ah. It does look like we do have a few suites left.” She paused, staring back at her screen. “Is this the first time you’ll be staying with us?”

Anders didn’t bother to stifle his laugh. “Hardly.”

Back to the screen again, more mouse clicking and key pressing. “Ah. It looks as though it’s free, yes. Would you like me to use this card for incidentals and payment?”

Anders nodded. The woman clicked some more, typed some more, disappeared into the door behind the desk, and returned with a smile, keycard in her hand. “Everything’s all set. Room fourteen thirty-seven. Do you know your way?”

“Yes, thanks.”

“My pleasure, Doctor . . .” she stared down at his name again, really ready to give it a go this time.

“Anders. Anders is fine.”

“Oh-kay. I’ll send someone up with your complimentary beverage. We offer . . .”

“I’ll have a whiskey and orange juice. I’ll pay the overage. Thank you.”

Anders pressed the button for the elevator and stared down at his clothes, still reeking of smoke and spilled beer from his night out in Kirkwall. He should probably head out and see if he could find anything even close to fashionable in this dirty Ferelden town, but he didn’t have the energy. Maybe after breakfast.

The floors dinged past as he and the elevator operator rode up in silence. When the doors opened he pulled out a crumpled bill, Kirkwall currency, and pressed it into the operator’s hand before winding his way down the familiar corridors. Room fourteen thirty-seven. Corner suite overlooking the skyline with a beautiful view of the sparkling Amaranthine Ocean and away from all the dust and noise of the city below. Anders shoved his keycard in the slot and pressed the handle down, taking a deep breath as he stepped into the familiar surroundings. So many memories inside these walls. So many ghosts of his past.

He stripped off his rumpled shirt and sniffed at it then grimaced and pulled off his jeans as well, dropping both into one of the laundry bags hanging in the closet then shoving the bag outside the door and pressing the button to alert the front desk. He might as well shower. Rest for a bit. Relax. He wanted nothing more than to send Nathaniel a text, but he knew better than to rush things. Not this time. This time it wasn’t all just about drunken sex as they groped together in the dark, driving against one another with their shared, intoxicating need. This was his last chance. He needed to do it right this time. He’d fucked up, he knew. He’d always known. But if he was ever going to make it right, something he should have done years ago, now was the time. Nathaniel’s ultimatum the previous night had made that clear. This time he needed to do everything in his power to make it right, or he’d lose the only person in his life who’d ever truly meant anything to him forever. And if that happened, well, he might as well go see Aedan Cousland and promptly stop living.

 

* * *

 

 

After lounging around the hotel room for hours in a faded t-shirt and sweats—the only marginally clean clothes he’d managed to grab from the laundry room of Hawke’s mansion before he’d left—Anders reached for his phone. Four pm. Late enough. Nathaniel would work all day and all night if he had the opportunity, Anders knew, but his meetings at least should be wrapping up.

He called down to the front desk and inquired about his laundry. The man who answered assured him that the truck usually arrived at five, so Anders ordered up a bottle of champagne and the bottle of the finest Amaranthine whiskey they could find, then climbed from the bed and headed to the bathroom to ready himself. He shaved off most of his three-days growth of beard, though he didn’t worry about shaving too closely, knowing how much the scratch of stubble along bare skin turned Nathaniel on. He pulled at his hair with his fingers, straightening it as best he could, wishing he could somehow magically stretch it out. His shorter hair was more practical for bending over an operating table day and night, but he knew how much Nathaniel had loved winding his fingers through Anders’ shoulder length hair as they pulsed together. How the sharp tugs at the back of his scalp made Anders come completely undone in Nathaniel’s arms.

When he was done and the champagne was in its ice bucket, the bottle of whiskey was nestled between two crystal glasses on the small table in the corner, and he’d finished fastening the last button on his freshly washed and pressed shirt, Anders reached for his phone.

Nathaniel’s number greeted him at the top of the list as he flicked open his messaging app.

 _Min_ _kærlighed._ My love.

He managed a sad smile as he tapped the screen. Nathaniel had said not to call. Not to text. He’d told him to forget about him. As if it were possible for Anders to forget Nathaniel Howe. As if Anders could ever conceive of a life without him. He may have chosen to run away to Kirkwall to give their relationship the space it needed, but Nathaniel had to know that neither of them could exist without at least the thought of one day returning to the other. Not anymore.

He smiled down at the message he’d pressed out on the screen.

>  
> 
> At the Crown. You know the room. I’m sorry, Love. Please don’t push me away. Come here and let me show you how much you mean to me.

 

He dropped the phone to the bed and flopped back against the pillows. What if Nathaniel had really meant it this time when he told Anders he was done? That it was over. What if it was too late? What if all of his selfish stupidity had finally made him miss his chance? No. No. Nathaniel would come. Nathaniel always came. He always answered. They needed each other like they needed breath. Whenever Anders felt like he was drowning, Nathaniel was his air. No matter how many times he fucked up, no matter how many times he made the stupid choice and flew out of Ferelden and away from the damned service that he never asked for in a country that was never his in the first place and back to whatever passed for a normal life in Kirkwall, Nathaniel would still be there the moment Anders needed him to be.

Anders had been right to leave, ultimately, and for the most part, life in Kirkwall was so much easier than life with the Wardens had ever been. He had his own medical practice. Cutting edge research. He lived in a house with so many rooms that he still hadn’t even seen them all. He was happy there. Happier than he’d been as a soldier watching the man he loved spend more and more time fixing this fucked up town and less time in bed with him. He was happy enough with Hawke, certainly, and he almost never regretted the choice he’d made.

It was just that sometimes Anders couldn’t stand any of it anymore. Sometimes he needed so badly to hear Nathaniel’s voice and to feel Nathaniel inside of him and to press himself inside of Nathaniel. Maybe someday it wouldn’t be so hard to leave him behind. Maybe someday he could hear someone say Nathaniel’s name and everything inside of him wouldn’t just come apart and he wouldn’t need the reassurance of Nathaniel’s voice and Nathaniel’s strong arms. It wasn’t so often anymore. It didn’t always hurt so badly. Someday he would be okay. Someday.

He glanced down at his phone. Fifteen minutes. No answer. He resisted the urge to send another text. Maybe he was out. More likely, he was working. He had an Arling to run, Anders reminded himself. Nathaniel was always busy. Too busy for Anders. Too important. Too preoccupied.

Anders reached for the bottle of whiskey on the table and poured himself a glass. The stuff was strong and it burned Anders’ insides all the way down, but he needed it, needed something. He couldn’t just sit here and wait for Nathaniel to have time to get around to him, as usual.


	4. If You're Lucky, No One Will Get Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll hunt the hands that took my place,   
> and hang them on the wall so high.   
> I'll make this fair if it's what you want.  
> I dare not ask, I dare not ask for more

“He’s not answering my calls, Beth. I can’t do anything about it.”

“Can’t you, like, GPS track him through his phone or something?”

“What am I, his fucking mother? I don’t have him GPS chipped, Beth. He’s a grown man.”

“We need to find him, Garett.”

“I know, Bethany. I fucking know. Look, I didn’t exactly plan on flying to Ferelden today to chase after someone I stupidly decided to fall in whatever passes for love these days with while he chases after his old boyfriend, who happens to also be my little sister’s boss or fuck buddy or whatever the fuck it is that you two do. Fuck, Beth. Just . . . fuck.” Hawke pulled at his short, dark hair, making it stick out at odd angles.

Bethany reached out and put a hand on her brother’s arm. “Sorry, Gare. We’re not the biggest fans of Anders around here, you know, and sometimes I forget how much he means to you. I’m sorry to get you involved, I just didn’t know what else to do.”

“No, it’s beyond time for me to get involved. I knew this was happening, but he always came back home in a few days. From my standpoint it wasn’t really hurting anything and it’s usually better to avoid these sorts of fights with him so I let it go on too long. It’s time for this to end. I think all of us can agree on that point.”

“Can you call him again?”

“There’s no point, Beth. He’s ignoring my calls. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t make him answer the phone. Maker knows I can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do.”

“I just wish we knew where he was staying. You honestly have no idea?”

“No. He never talks about Ferelden or Nate or the Wardens or Amaranthine or really any of this at all. I have no idea where he’d go once he got here. He’s done this before though, yeah? You don’t know where they meet? If there’s some place from their past?”

Bethany shook her head. “We try to actively discourage Nate from discussing anything having to do with Anders.”

The siblings leaned back against the couch that Aedan had forced Nathaniel to vacate in favor of the bed, silence falling heavy between them as the searched for even the spark of an idea.

“We need to figure this out, Gare,” Bethany whispered. “We need to find Anders before Aedan finds out he’s here and decides to take matters into his own hands.”

“What can we do, Beth? I’m tapped out of ideas.”

Bethany’s eyes brightened as she sat forward, snapping her fingers. “I’ve got it! Credit card. You said he was gone when you woke up, and it was well past three when he called Nate, so he couldn’t have had time to get cash, right? Wherever he’s staying, he probably paid for it with his credit card. Can’t we track it?”

Hawke threw both hands in the air and flashed her an exasperated glare. “How exactly do you think I’m going to track his credit card, Beth? What am I, the fucking police?”

“No,” a gruff voice said from behind them, “but I am. More or less.”

Bethany’s eyes went wide as she stammered for words. “Aedan. I . . . that is . . . I can explain . . .”

“Save it,” Aedan said. “Garrett Hawke, I presume. Champion of Kirkwall and all that nonsense. I assume you’re not here for a social call.”

“I . . .” Hawke said, not doing much better than his sister at finding his words.

“Where is he?”

Hawke opened his mouth then closed it again before he shrugged and shook his head. “I have no idea. I don’t even know for sure if he’s here.”

“If he’s not in Kirkwall then he’s here. And I made it clear he was never to show his face anywhere near Amaranthine again or I would . . . “

“Aedan.” Bethany’s voice was pleading. “Stop. Please just stop. Garrett is here to find him and take him home. There’s no need for you to get involved.”

“The hell there isn’t. This needs to stop. It needed to fucking stop years ago, but apparently I’m the only one with the balls to actually do something about it. He can’t just fucking destroy everything in his path and then just show up and expect everything to work out when he needs it to. Maybe you and Nathaniel don’t care about these little mind games Anders is playing with all of us, but I’m beyond done with it. Now, if you won’t find him, then I will. Even if it means searching every Maker-forsaken room in every blighted hotel in this fucking town until I find him. He is not welcome here. Not in my house and not in my city and not in my fucking Arling.”

“It’s my Arling, actually.” Nathaniel said, staggering out of the open bedroom door into the living room where they were all gathered. “For better or worse.”

He was dressed only in loose cotton pajama pants that hung low around his waist, the laces not quite tied all the way. His dark hair was damp with sweat and clung to his forehead. Deep blue bruises circled his grey eyes and his face was flushed. He clung to the doorframe as though he might topple over if he loosened his grip.

He raised his eyes until they fixed on Garrett’s, scanning him up and down. “Garrett Hawke. I suppose it’s past time we met face to face. Forgive me, but I’m a bit . . . under the weather right now.”

Garrett looked away from Nathaniel’s intense stare. Bethany had never seen her brother look this uncomfortable before, not even during the strictest lecture from their father on how he needed to learn to be the man of the house and stop chasing everything with a pulse before he got them all in trouble.

“Go back and lay down, Nate,” Aedan said, his voice suddenly soft as he turned toward Nathaniel. “I’ll bring you some food in a minute. Anything you want?”

“You’re looking for Anders.” Nathaniel’s focus didn’t leave Garrett; his words weren’t a question.

“Hey,” Aedan’s voice is still soft, but firmer this time. “I said go rest. I got this.”

“I’ve been resting all day, Aedan. I don’t need to rest.”

“Nathaniel.” Aedan was no longer asking. “I’ve got this.”

Nathaniel turned his stare from Hawke to Aedan. “Don’t do anything stupid, Aedan. I might allegedly be in charge around here, but there are some things even I can’t get you out of, you understand me?”

“I’ve got it, Nate.”

“Aedan.” Nathaniel’s grey eyes burned at him even through the redness of a night of uncontrolled sobbing. “Promise me.”

“Nate.”

“Promise, Aedan. Promise me you won’t.”

Aedan pulled Nathaniel close to him and wrapped him in a hug. “Someday you’re going to have to stop protecting him from all the shit he gets himself wrapped up in, you know that?”

 

* * *

 

 

Nathaniel closed his eyes and let Aedan escort him back to the bed. It didn’t matter. Anders was in Amaranthine, and there was only one place he’d go once he got here.

He lay back on the bed, letting Aedan think he was in control here. Aedan smiled down at him, though his eyes were tight and the look was forced. “I’ll have someone bring you some food. Bread. Maybe some soup. Sound good?”

Nathaniel nodded, then closed his eyes, feigning a return to sleep until he heard the door close behind Aedan. He sat up, but remained in the bed, listening to the low hum of hushed voices beyond the door. He needed to warn Anders somehow, finally get him to believe that if he didn’t leave town immediately and never come back, Aedan Cousland would almost certainly put a high-velocity bullet straight through his brilliant brain. He grabbed the remnants of his phone from where it now sat on the bedside table and shook it, fingers jabbing at the screen, desperate to make it turn on, just for a few minutes. Long enough to send a text. A warning. _Get out of town before Aedan finds you. Go away and never come back here. I love you so much Anders. That’s why I need you to leave. For good this time._

Nothing. No response from his phone. The screen was shattered, the battery half hanging out the back. It was beyond repair. Nathaniel eased himself from the bed, trying not to make a sound. He’d spent years training as a sniper, an assassin. He used to be able to move so silently that he could knife three men in broad daylight before anyone realized the first one had hit the ground. But that was years ago and even if he were still in anything resembling fighting shape, he wasn’t exactly operating at full capacity right now. He crept toward the door, making note of each of the spots where the floorboards would creak under his feet. He paused at the door, ear pressed against the heavy wood, desperate to get some snatch of the conversation. Did they know where Anders was? Would they find him?

“. . . idea has merit,” Aedan was saying. “I can track his financials. It may take a bit to show up, but I can get some guys on it.”

“This all feels so . . . I don’t know. . . creepy. Can’t we just let him be? Nate’s phone is broken, he told Anders not to call, and I’m pretty sure even Anders isn’t stupid enough to try to show up here. Not while he knows you’re around. Eventually won’t he just give up and go back home?”

“Anders isn’t the give up and go home type, Beth.” Hawke’s voice. Low and gruff, nothing like the sweet innocence that laced his sister’s tone. “Especially not when it comes to Nathaniel Howe.”

“He has no right,” Aedan said. “No fucking right.”

“I agree.” Hawke’s words had a tone of finality.

There was silence for a few moments, but Nathaniel could hear the three moving about in the other room. He crouched lower, laying on the hard wood of the floor to peer through the gap beneath the door.

“We’re certainly not going to get anything done standing around here staring at one another,” Aedan said, shattering the heavy silence of the room.

“What do you propose?” Hawke asked.

“I don’t know. Something. Anything. You two head down to my office and we’ll see if we can track him anywhere. I’ll go check on Nate then I’ll catch you up.”

Nathaniel leaped to his feet and rushed back to the bed. He managed to fold himself up in the blankets and slam his eyes shut just as the door eased open.

Aedan stuck his head in, then walked to the bed and stared down at Nathaniel. He gently brushed Nathaniel’s hair back and pressed soft lips to his temple. Nathaniel gave a small, contented noise and mocked squirming in his sleep at the touch. Aedan stood up and whispered low over Nathaniel’s mock-sleeping form. “I love you so much, Nate. So much it hurts. I always have, and I probably always will. I hope you know that. I hope it’s enough. I know you’ll hate me for a while, maybe forever, but I’ll never give up hope that someday you’ll be able to forgive me for what I have to do.”

Nathaniel waited until he heard the outer door to their suite close, then counted to three hundred, giving Aedan a five-minute head start down to his office, and climbed from the bed. He rummaged through his drawers, yanking out a pair of jeans and a grey v-neck sweater that Bethany always told him made the steel grey of his eyes even more intense. He pulled them both on in haste, then made his way toward the bathroom at the far end of the room, grimacing as he caught his reflection in the mirror. It looked like someone had punched him in both eyes. Repeatedly. With as much force as possible. He filled the basin with cold water and splashed his face, grabbing a cloth and pressing it against both eyes for a few minutes to make the swelling go down at least a little. His hair was dirty and matted with sweat, but he tied it back in his usual meticulous braids and hoped he at least looked passable. He was out of time. He had to get to Anders before Aedan did.

He dashed back to the bed and grabbed his keys and wallet off the end table, briefly lifting up his mangled phone before dropping it back down to the table and creeping out into the rest of the suite and down the hallway toward the delivery door at the back of the keep.


	5. No One Has To Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone’s alive but ill  
> let’s take deep breaths  
> and lock the doors so no one has to know

“Garrett,” Anders wailed into the phone.

Hawke’s eyes went wide and Aedan was immediately at his side, straining to hear the words coming faintly through the small speaker.

“Anders, hello love, where are you? I’ve been trying to call all day. Work called and said you missed your shift. I asked around, but no one had seen you. We’re all terribly worried.”

“I’m in Amaranthine. It’s horrible, Garrett. The coffee tastes like piss and I can’t get a decent meal and everything smells like wet dog.”

Hawke grimaced, but held his voice steady and nonchalant. He needed Anders to think he was still back in Kirkwall and didn’t suspect anything to be amiss. “Amaranthine, huh? Whatcha doing in Amaranthine?”

“Nate needed me, Garrett, he needed me. I dropped everything and I flew here right away and now he won’t text me back and my calls keep going straight to voicemail. He needed me Garrett, but he won’t even talk to me. Why does he hate me Garrett, why?”

“Shh, hey. I don’t think he hates you. He’s probably busy, yeah? He’s got an Arling to run and everything. Look, where are you? Are you in a hotel room?”

“No. I got hungry and I got tired of sitting around waiting for him to call me back and I ran out of booze and I just really want a fucking coffee, Garrett.”

“Okay. Okay, babe, okay. Can you tell me where you are?”

“No. Some café. I don’t know. It’s all different since I lived here. I just left the hotel and I sort of wandered around until I found somewhere. Their coffee sucks, Garrett. I miss Kirkwall. I miss you and I want a drink and I want a fucking good coffee and whiskey that doesn’t burn my insides and wine that doesn’t taste like vinegar and I want to come home Garrett. I came running all the way down here for Nate and he hates me and won’t answer my calls and I just want to fucking go home now.”

“I know, babe, I know. I’ll make sure we’ve got everything you want here. Coffee and wine and that weird fish dish you like. Soon as you get back. Right now I need you to try to figure out where you are so I can help you get home.”

“I can get home, Garrett. I’ll take a cab. It’s okay. I’ll be okay.”

“Where are you staying? What hotel. I’ll call them and get you all squared away.”

“The Crown. Where we always stayed. I got our room. The first time we fucked in a real bed. And the second. And the third. And the fourth. Always that room. Where we’d go when we needed to get away from the Wardens and the army and the barracks and all of it. Where we could pretend that we hadn’t signed ourselves up for a death sentence with the Ferelden army and we were the only people who existed in the whole fucking world. Our room. I had everything set up for him, just the way he always had it set up for me, but he won’t answer my calls. He won’t call me back. He doesn’t want me.”

Aedan let out a low growl and snatched at the phone, but Bethany grabbed his wrist and fixed him with a wide-eyed glare. She mouthed an emphatic “No”, then whispered, “He can’t know we’re here or this all falls apart. You know that.”

“Hey, hey hey hey. Shush. You just get back here to me, okay?”

“I have to go to the hotel. I have to get my shit.”

“Get a cab. Get to the airport. I’ll book you a ticket. Come on home to me and I’ll take care of you. I’ll give you everything you need, alright? You just get back home. I love you so much.”

“I love you, Garrett. I love you. You don’t leave me stranded alone in hotel rooms or drunk in some terrible café. You’re always there when I need you. You never let me down.”

Garrett squeezed his eyes shut as he hung up the phone and dropped his hands to his side.

“I think I managed to talk him into heading home. I’m gonna head to the airport and meet him. He’s so drunk I’m honestly not even sure if he can stand up. It will be a miracle if they let him board a plane. I wish I knew where he was. I’d just go get him.”

“Where is he staying?” Aedan’s voice was a growl.

Bethany shook her head from behind Aedan’s shoulder, her eyes desperate and pleading. Garret gave the slightest flick of his head in return then turned to Aedan.

“I . . . uh . . . I don’t know. He wouldn’t say. Or if he did say then I couldn’t understand him. I told him to just get a cab to the airport and I’ll take care of everything later. Best to just get him out of town as soon as possible, right? I’m sorry this happened, Aedan, I really am. I wish I could tell you I’d do better next time, but, well . . .”

“There isn’t going to be a next time, Hawke. I thought I made that clear. To you, to Nate, and especially to Anders. It might cost me the only piece of happiness I’ve got left in my life, but I made a promise and I always keep my promises.” He turned away from the pair and lifted a long metal case out of a nearby cabinet and started to flick open the latches.

“Aedan, no!” Bethany shrieked from beside Garrett. “You can’t. I know what you said and I know you think you meant it, but just . . . think about this for a minute. Think about the repercussions. Not just the legal action of shooting an unarmed man who’s completely innocent in everyone’s mind except yours, but also . . . Maker, Aedan, Nate will never forgive you. He’ll relapse even harder this time. It might well kill him, Aedan. Maybe you feel no remorse for Anders’ blood on your hands, but how would you feel going to your death knowing your stupid act of blind vengeance had destroyed the person you claim to love above all others. To say nothing about how it would affect the rest of us. Me. My brother. He loves Anders, you know. Maker knows why, but he does. What gives you the right to take that away?”

Garrett stepped forward. “I can speak for myself, Bethany.” He turned to Aedan. “Look. I know you think you have some sort of Maker-granted right of high justice and that you’re the fucking law around here, but here’s the thing. Anders lives in Kirkwall now. Sure, he deserted. Sure, he pretty much wrecks everything he touches, but he’s not under your charge anymore. So, before you do something stupid and get yourself arrested, which I’m pretty sure no one around here, your boyfriend included, is going to contest, hear me out. I’m going to the airport now. I’m going to find Anders, fucking collar him if I have to, and drag him onto an airplane back to Kirkwall. I’ll get him a new phone with a new number and wipe his contacts. I’ll change the password on his email. Delete all traces of Nathaniel from his life that I can. I can’t keep him on house arrest or anything, but I can sure as hell do a better job than I’ve been doing. Let me go get him now and I promise you’ll never see or hear from either of us again. That’s the best deal you’re going to get, so I’d advise you take it.”

Aedan’s glare made Garrett’s knees weak, but he held his ground until finally Aedan lowered his eyes and dropped his hand from the rifle case. “If I find out that he so much as fucking thought about Nathaniel Howe, I swear to the Maker that I will fly up to Kirkwall and I will fucking end him. This is over. We’re done. Get the fuck off of my estate and go get your fucking boyfriend and never come back here again. Understood?”

Garrett couldn’t speak. He’d never seen such blind rage in a man’s eye. He’d hunted down crazed serial killers in abandoned warehouses, but never before had the pure, animalistic bloodlust in someone’s eyes sent such a wave of true, near-paralyzing fear down his spine. He finally managed a nod, then turned quickly away.

“Good,” Aedan said.

Bethany reached for Garrett’s arm, his sister’s soft touch comforting against his wrist as she pulled him toward the door. “I’ll drive you to the airport, Gare. Come on.”

Only when they were locked in Bethany’s car and pulling out of the long driveway that led away from the estate did Garrett let out the breath he was holding. “Holy shit, your boss is a scary motherfucker,” he said.

Bethany managed a weak smile. “Yeah. Sorry. Aedan can get a little intense. He means well, he just . . . Nate and Aedan have known one another since they were kids. They have all this history. Aedan will never be able to forgive Anders for what he did. Not just what he did to Nate, but what he did to their entire future. They could have been happy together forever if Anders had never showed up in their lives.”

Garrett nodded and leaned back in his seat as he stared out at the Amaranthine farmland rushing past them. “I get it, Beth. I really do. I’ve met Anders, remember. He’s infuriating on the best of days, generally speaking. Thing is, there’s a piece of him missing, too, I’ve just learned to live around it and take what I can get. Maker, I wish I’d had more time to talk to the ever-infamous Nathaniel Howe. I hear so much about him. I half expected him to be some sort of superhero god or something.”

Bethany grinned at her brother. “He cleans up much nicer than the version you saw today, trust me. He’s really not at his best right now. Not even close.”

Garrett smiled. “Maker I miss you, Beth. It’s just Anders and I in that bigass house with all mother’s things and I don’t want to live there, but someone has to, so it might as well be me. I play at being some kind of leader in that lawless town, but we both know you were always the brains behind the operation. I’m just flailing around hoping like hell something turns out right.”

She laughed. “I’m sure you’re doing great, Gare. You were always a better brother than we let you think you were. You held our family together for so long. You took care of us.”

Garrett snorted. “Until I didn’t.”

The siblings rode in silence until the Amaranthine skyline loomed into view, tiny and unimpressive compared to most cities, but somehow charming.

“Where is he staying, Gare?”

“The Crown, he said. Pretty sure.”

Bethany nodded. “Right. Let’s go get him so you can bring him home. And keep him there this time, Gare. Aedan really will kill him, and that will finally destroy all of us once and for all. There are some things that even the deepest love can’t forgive.”


	6. My Sweetest Downfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you are my sweetest downfall  
> I loved you first, I loved you first  
> beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads

Nathaniel’s breath hitched in his throat and his heart started pounding double time as Anders stumbled through the sliding doors into the hotel lobby. His shirt was rumpled and disheveled, damp from the persistent Amaranthine drizzle; his hair was sloppily pulled away from his face, most of the front strands pulling loose and falling down into his eyes.

He tripped his way to the front desk, reaching for his wallet.

To his credit, the man behind the desk maintained most of his composure as he forced a polite tone and what passed for a smile. “How may I help you sir.”

“I . . . I need to . . .”

Nathaniel swooped up from behind and wrapped one arm around Anders’ waist, draping Anders’ right arm around his own shoulder, flashing the desk clerk an apologetic smile. “Hi, I’ve got him, thanks.” He hauled Anders away from the counter and toward the group of couches in the middle of the lobby.

“Nate,” Anders said, eyes desperately seeking focus. “You’re here. You came. You came for me. I thought you’d given up. I called you all day but you didn’t answer. I know you told me not to come here, but you never mean it when you say that. Why didn’t you answer me?”

“Shh, don’t worry about that right now. We need to get you upstairs. Aedan’s looking for you and I’m honestly not sure he won’t. . .” Nathaniel couldn’t say it. He had to remain calm and composed and get Anders out of town so they could forget about one another and go back to normal life.

“You want to get me upstairs, eh?” Dammit. Anders’ tone was laced with that stupid sarcastic flirtation that Nathaniel had hated for so long until one day he realized he didn’t hate it at all.

He shook his head and smiled in spite of himself. “Maker you’re drunk. You look worse than I do and I look like I went ten rounds with a tank. What a pair we make, eh?”

Anders leaned in and nipped at the spot on Nathaniel’s neck just behind his ear that always sent all the blood in his body straight to his cock. Nathaniel’s breath hitched and he let out an involuntary moan as he felt himself start to harden. One touch from this man and he was nearly coming undone in the lobby of the most prestigious hotel in Amaranthine.

He pushed Anders off of him and continued his struggle to drag them both toward the elevator. “Anders. No. None of that. That’s not why I’m here. I’m here to get you out of town before Aedan finds out where you are.”

“You want me gone, Nate? You do hate me! After all of this you only came here to get rid of me!”

_Never. I never wanted you gone. I only ever wanted you right here at my side. Right where I could see you and touch you and hold you and love you forever. You’re the one who wanted to leave. You’re the one who wanted to get away from me._

“Anders please. We need to go upstairs.”

Anders half-ducked half-fell out of Nathaniel’s grasp and dropped down to one of the couches lining the lobby. “You want me gone, Nate? Do you really hate me that much?”

Nathaniel shook his head. He was still too exhausted from his night of sleepless binging to deal with this right now. “Anders I don’t hate you. I could never hate you, despite both of our best efforts some days. Now come on, get up.”

“No.” Anders tugged at Nathaniel’s arm, trying to pull him down onto the couch beside him, but Nathaniel held his balance. “Sit down here with me. I have some things I want to say.”

“Oh, Anders, for fuck’s sake can we just do this upstairs?”

“No. If we go upstairs I’ll start fucking you and I’ll never be able to say any of this. And it needs saying. I practiced it and everything. Now sit down and listen to me.” Anders wrapped both arms around Nathaniel’s waist and yanked Nathaniel toward him. Nathaniel tried to fight it, but Anders hooked an ankle with his foot and Nathaniel toppled to the couch, landing mostly in Anders’ lap.

“Mmmm, you smell good, Nate. Maker I missed the way you smell.” Anders buried his face in Nathaniel’s neck, making Nate shiver as hot breath ghosted across his collarbone.

“Anders you are way too drunk for this. And I’m way too hungover.”

“I love you, Nathaniel Howe. I love the way you feel in my arms. The way you smell. The way your hair feels against my face. Your stupid, awful, giant nose and the way your eyes can burn into my soul. Why did I ever want to leave this, Nathaniel? Why did I ever leave you?”

Nathaniel shoved himself off Anders and jumped to his feet. “I don’t know, Anders? Why did you? Tell me. Because I’ve been trying to figure that out for six years now and I still don’t know. You think I hate you? You think I want you out of my life? Well you know what, I should. I should hate you. I should want you to leave this place and never come back and just leave me the fuck alone. But I don’t. I can’t. Because when you smashed my heart into a million pieces, you somehow kept the only one that fucking mattered and you took it with you across the ocean and you Just. Won’t. Fucking. Give. It. Back.” Nathaniel’s voice was raised, his chest tight, the corners of his eyes burning hot.

“I’m sorry, Nate. I never meant . . . “

“Of course you never meant,” Nathaniel screamed at him, not caring that they were still in the hotel lobby and that he was the Arl of Amaranthine and was supposed to be careful to maintain some kind of public image. Not caring that all of this would almost certainly end up all over the papers: “ **Relapse? Amaranthine’s bad-boy leader caught up in drunken displays once again!** ” or “ **Scandal! Ferelden’s most delicious Arl caught in a lovers quarrel . . . but not with Warden-Commander Cousland! Details inside!** ” No. All that mattered at that moment was Anders and these words Nathaniel had held inside of himself for far too long. “You never think about anyone but yourself, Anders. You do whatever you want whenever you want and anyone stupid enough to hang on to you just gets dragged along for the fucking ride.”

“That’s not true.” Anders’ eyes were on the ground, his whispered words coming out with a choked sob. “It’s not true, Nate. I think about you every day. When I open my eyes in the morning I leave behind an image of your face. When I close them at night it’s you I hope to see in my dreams. When I smell someone baking a pie in a windowsill. When I turn on the TV and see an ad for that stupid, awful Ferelden beer we used to drink in that dirty diner we all used to hang out in. When it rains. When it doesn’t rain. When the wind blows across my skin and I shiver and remember that night you wrapped us up in your blanket while we were out on assignment because I was stupid and didn’t bring a coat. When Hawke’s arms are around me and he’s kissing me and he’s filling me, all I can think about is how he doesn’t feel like you and he isn’t you and he’ll never be you no matter how much I want him to be and I’ll never have you again and it’s all my fucking fault.”

Nathaniel dropped to his knees and lifted up Anders’ face to meet his own, reaching a hand up to wipe away the tears clouding those beautiful honey brown eyes.

“Then why, Anders? Why did you leave me? Why did you break my heart?”

“You saved the town. Saved all of us. Aedan had given you the Arling. Commander Cousland and Arl Howe. Just the way it should have been from the start. The way it was before. You had everything you’d wanted for your entire life and all I could think about was how I wished you’d give it all up and stop spending your days running the Arling with Aedan and come back to spending hours in bed with me. How could I ask that of you? How could you give up your dreams just because I needed more of you? It wasn’t fair of me to ask that of you. I was drowning in you and I was losing myself and I was going to bring you both down with me. So I left. I left so I could figure out my life and so that you could have everything you ever wanted and you wouldn’t need to worry about me. But I fucked that up too, Nate, because I couldn’t stay away. I couldn’t quit you. I couldn’t leave you alone and let you live out your blissful life here. I’m stupid and selfish and I ruined it all anyway.”

Nathaniel leaped onto the couch beside Anders, wrapping him into a hug and pressing Anders’ face against his neck, rocking them both back and forth as Anders sobbed. He smelled like rain, this man. Like rain and lightning and the smell of fresh flowers on a spring morning.

“Anders. Oh, Maker, Anders,” Nathaniel pressed his face against hair the color of spun gold shorter now, but still silken against his cheek. “I never wanted anything but you. You owned me. You completed me. Everything I was, you made better. When you left . . . dammit Anders, when you left I stopped existing. Because everything I had and everything I was and all the rest of this bullshit you thought I wanted, it was all empty and hollow without you beside me to get me through it. I needed you, Anders. I still need you. I will always need you. You have the best part of me. I gave it to you. It’s yours and I’m yours and I want you to be mine. I love you, Anders. More than that. Love isn’t a strong enough word for how I feel about you. I just . . . I can’t . . .” Nathaniel let his own tears take him then and they held one another close, curled up on a stupid hotel couch for everyone to see, not of them caring whether or not they had an audience as they held each other and kissed each other and sobbed together until neither of them had any more tears to cry.


	7. Things We Did and Didn't Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> all the things I knew I didn't know and didn't want to know  
> that you told me just to tell me later that you'd told me so  
> come flooding back to me now

Bethany reached for her brother’s hand as they watched the scene playing out in front of them. They’d arrived at the hotel just as Anders had begun his tearful confession in the middle of the lobby. Garrett stood transfixed through it all, mouth open, eyes glistening with unshed tears.

Bethany gave his hand a squeeze and he looked down at her. “I lose everything I love, Bethy.” Garrett’s voice came out in a whisper.

“Not everything, Gare. You still have me. You’ll always have me.”

He nodded and pulled his sister in for a hug. “Thanks.”

“You want to go?” she asked

“Yeah. I . . . it will be easier if I don’t say goodbye. If he never knows I was here. If he just thinks I’m back in Kirkwall waiting for him to come home.”

Bethany flashed him a sad smile, then took one look back at the man she’d come to think of as a replacement sibling and the man her brother loved, holding one another and sobbing--so in love that it made Bethany’s entire heart ache to watch it--before squeezing her brother’s hand tighter and walking out of the lobby.

 

* * *

 

 

“Anders,” Nathaniel said as he unwrapped himself from Anders’ legs in their hotel bed. “I wasn’t kidding about Aedan. If he finds you, I honestly don’t know what will happen.”

Anders reached for Nathaniel, pulling him closer against his chest. “So we make sure he doesn’t find us. We stay right here in this room forever. Lock the door. Order all our food in. This can be our own private world. Just you and me. Like it used to be.”

“Aedan’s a soldier, Anders. The head of the most elite tactical force in the country. He’s got access to the most sophisticated tech out there and a full team of people trained in finding, tracking, and hunting. He’ll find us.”

“What do you propose we do then?”

“We leave.”

“Where do we go? Back to Kirkwall?”

Nathaniel nodded and traced his fingers lazily across the lines of Anders’ bicep, not quite as defined as it had been when Anders was in the Wardens, but still firm and strong beneath his touch. “Not Kirkwall. That’s the first place he’ll look. Plus Bethany still talks to her brother quite often. It would get back to him somehow.” He leaned down and kissed a line across Anders’ chest, making Anders curl up into his touch. “Somewhere else. Orlais. Rivain. Antiva. Tevinter. Fucking Par Vollen. It doesn’t matter. I’ll cancel my cards, change my name if I have to. Part of knowing how to track is knowing how to hide. We’ll leave this place and change our identities and disappear forever.”

“What about Amaranthine and your Arling and your birthright and all that nonsense you used to spout about reclaiming your stupid fucking ancestral homestead?”

“I told you, Anders. I don’t need any of it. I’d give it all up and become no one again and disappear into the wastes of the Anderfels and live in a fucking cave for the rest of my life as long as you never leave my side again.”

“Mmm.” Anders purred against the top of Nathaniel’s head and Nathaniel bit at an already raw nipple, making Anders yelp and squirm. The feel of Anders’ body, an extension of his own once again, writhing beneath him made Nathaniel’s arousal surge once again and he climbed on top of Anders, crushing their bodies together until Anders broke away from Nathaniel’s insistent kisses.

“So _, min_ _kærlighed_ , where to? I’ll happily follow you to the ends of the earth as long as we’re together.”

Nathaniel crushed Anders’ mouth with his own once more. “I think for now,” Nathaniel panted against Anders’ mouth when he finally pulled away, “we should just stay right here in this bed. We’ve got six years to make up for, and I think I remember you saying something about showing me how sorry you are, yeah?”

**Author's Note:**

> Although no one but me will ever see the tie-ins, this story was originally written in a two hour fit of writing frenzy in the summer of 2014 when I was having a lot of feelings about the men's world cup. I didn't do anything with it for several months and then saw the posting a few months ago that Dragon Age Big Bang was starting up. So I pulled it out, dusted it off, cleaned it up, cleaned it up some more, changed my mind on some things, changed my mind back, and presented it to you thusly.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it AND the awesome artwork that PollenCount drew to go with it! I know I loved the art a ton!


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